ɪ ᴛ ᴇ ʀ ᴜ ᴍ: ɴᴇᴛᴡᴏʀᴋ

[Despite the fact that Sam has no fucks to give, the artistic eye will appreciate the fact that she's gone out of her way to frame the shot. She's sitting at her kitchen table--a strange Formica beige with glittering pieces of plastic stuck in it, like sparkles in a hospital corridor. She's just off center, so as to keep things interesting. Behind her is her window from the Tower, overlooking the City.

Sam looks young. She also looks a bit like she was Photoshopped; perfect skin, bright eyes, plastic hair. Well, the skin was genetically engineered, her eyes are just blue, and her hair is, in fact, plastic. Mostly, though, Sam just looks tired. Obviously, the last month has been rough on everyone. What with a sentient (?) city abducting them all. It just doesn't help that she's still not over some of the bullshit that she was in the middle of back home.

For a second, she taps her fingertips to an empty coffee mug, black and chipped nail polish flashing a little in the light. Then she clears her throat to speak, in a surprisingly mild, Midwestern accent.]

Okay, so. Here's the deal. I'm like all of you. Like you, I was kidnapped and dropped in the middle of this fu...in the middle of this city. Like you, I'm pretty done with these demons or whatever else prowling the streets. Like you, I just want to get by. Like you, I'm working on figuring out a life and job and all of...that. I'm like you.

But here's the thing. I'm not like everyone. I'm a fu...vampire. I'm a vampire. And before you start freaking the...freaking out or whatever, let me make something clear to you: While I drink blood, I don't want yours. Okay? I'm not going to jump anyone in an alley. I'm not violent, I'm not dangerous, I'm not a murderer.

[She presses her lips together for a moment in a hard line. Obviously, this is very important to her. And she's rehearsed the speech a number of times. One can tell by the way she's stopped herself from swearing. This is the part where she kind of goes off script, though. Which becomes obvious from the passion that starts to seep into her voice.]

Everyone is always telling me that I need to keep it a secret, you know? I need to shut the fuck up and keep my head down and stay out of trouble. I've followed the fucking rules, toed the damn company line or whatever. And it's complete bullshit. I mean, forgetting the fact that people have a fucking right to know that there are vampires out there...come on! We're in a magical kidnapping city. With demons walking around! I dare any of you to tell me this is the weirdest thing you've heard in the last month.

[Whoa. Okay, time to slow down. Sam pauses, taking a deep breath, getting a hold of herself.]

Fuck. Look. I just. There's no point to being secretive about it. And if you don't want anything to do with me or whatever, your choice.

Also, if there are any vampires listening to this, you're welcome to keep yourself secret or whatever. If you're actually able to do it, mazel tov, you're better than I am or whatever. But don't even think about trying to take me out for doing this. It's not going to make a damn difference.

[A small pause.]

Oh. Right. My name is Sam. And...that's all, I guess.

[She reaches over and shuts off the feed.]

[ Coming to you live and in living color, straight from inside of her bakery, a domesticated Kate appears on the network. ]

Good evening everyone. I've decided to hold Flour Power's grand re-opening on August the first. There will be free food and a game in the way of a cupcake naming contest. It'll be from seven until nine pm. I hope to see you all there.

If you have any favorite flavors of cupcakes, now is the time to mention them. Ciao.